insecurities
(foto)
the past several years were toxic, and they still are to me. I keep dragging my ass towards the mirror through this cloudy hesitation, and question the world the courage I have to still be standing here, to remember anything magical about being alive.
I still push myself out of the bed, regardless how much pain I would suffer in every step I take. not a day goes by that I’ve refrained myself from thinking what could possibly happen to everyone I love, if I ever end up being killed by my thoughts someday? the thing with rage and anxiety is how insecurities are in control over my emotions and body to whatever comes in my way.
sometimes I feel disappointed, sometimes I just don’t feel anything at all, and there is no in-between them.
although I’m not going to shift the blame on people for constantly making me feel insecure of my own thoughts, somehow, it’s really exhausting. I was upset – only to realize that I am too naïve to let them in, right after they broke my trust, “it’s probably just you.” that leaving them would mean I’m going to be alright. I would like to welcome that idea each time I’m desperate to feel belonged, but optimistic isn’t my middle name. I could have faith that some days are going to be okay, but I still wake up feeling stupefied. it’s just appalling how words often fall into deaf ears now.
so I’ve stopped from seeing people. I would swear that whoever enters my life wouldn’t need to stay (anymore), only to watch me fight against my sanity to the very end.
I still push myself out of the bed, regardless how much pain I would suffer in every step I take. not a day goes by that I’ve refrained myself from thinking what could possibly happen to everyone I love, if I ever end up being killed by my thoughts someday? the thing with rage and anxiety is how insecurities are in control over my emotions and body to whatever comes in my way.
sometimes I feel disappointed, sometimes I just don’t feel anything at all, and there is no in-between them.
although I’m not going to shift the blame on people for constantly making me feel insecure of my own thoughts, somehow, it’s really exhausting. I was upset – only to realize that I am too naïve to let them in, right after they broke my trust, “it’s probably just you.” that leaving them would mean I’m going to be alright. I would like to welcome that idea each time I’m desperate to feel belonged, but optimistic isn’t my middle name. I could have faith that some days are going to be okay, but I still wake up feeling stupefied. it’s just appalling how words often fall into deaf ears now.
so I’ve stopped from seeing people. I would swear that whoever enters my life wouldn’t need to stay (anymore), only to watch me fight against my sanity to the very end.